Sep 20, 2010

another day in hell: i will stay at home forever.

the summer is coming to an end, and so might be my no-care-ever mood. i'm not able to ride my bike on a regular basis anymore, because it's getting pretty cold. that sucks, a lot! so i was actually afraid of not being able to be a happy charmer anymore, which would have been too bad, really. i did enjoy this, actually. ;)

i don't know where to start with and how to put this without sounding like a lame ass douchebag. i guess i'm gonna have to take the long road to explain this. some of you might have been reading my new year's eve post and i gotta tell you this: it goes on for my life in general. everything that's been annoying to me about new year's eve has become a constant in the social life of my generation. i guess that's old news right here, but i really didn't realize it as much as i did this year.

i've been barely leaving my apartment, if it wasn't for some real good friends or for riding my bike. i actually left it a lot for that, but oh well, haha. going out to a club, a party and even to shows or where ever everyone else in my age is hanging out at always made me feel like i'm in the wrong place. well, "always"...i guess i didn't do this more than just a very few times this year. still, you get the idea. most people just hang out and try to get drunk as fast as possible, because that's when the(ir) fun starts, right? and i guess they don't know what to do with themselves without that. anyways, as a non-drinker, you just sit there and just feel nothing at all. it's pointless. it's like hanging out with a bunch of narrow-minded retards mostly, hahaha. sorry, dudes. ;)

it's the same with shows, unfortunately. i went to a very few shows and mostly didn't feel at home at all anymore. and how could i? it's just been like a fucking freight train of hypes recently, it all changes so quickly...quicker than ever before. a new sound, a new image, new clothes and symbols, new kids...i'm too tired for this. and it makes it hard to identify with that scene, because it's different and seems worse every time you look at it. the best place to listen to music to seems to be at home, haha. now that sounds so bad, but what can i say? it really is, somehow. on the other hand, you try and go to special shows every now and then and it's different. the hype is not everywhere you go, there are loopholes. i try and sneak through those every chance i get. but those chances are rare.

so, if all that stuff is becoming less and less attractive to you, you really gotta find something for yourself to do, right? you can have some quality time by your own...believe me, i know, haha! it's just a matter of balance and independence. i said it once and i'm gonna say it again: don't try and look for satisfaction in someone else, try it with yourself first. because that's something you can always get back to. it does make things easier, even if it makes you a lonewolf mostly. but that doesn't matter really, as long as you're not feeling lonely. i don't even need company all the time, i'm able to keep myself busy with stuff.

so look, i went cycling like a mad man this year and now that the cycling season is over i started running. and i enjoy it, who could have thought?! on a sidenote, i've been losing about 55 pounds of weight, and that really keeps you up and busy. basically, music and sports is all the fuel my engine needs at the moment. and everything else has to wait and progress on its own, i guess. i'm gonna sit here and watch it all go down the downward spiral, hahaha! and i'm still gonna be pleased with life, because it works without the bullshit out there.

pretty pathetic, huh? ;)


Anonymous said...

Strange thing is, I'm doing the exact same fucking thing. Except the part with the cycling so I'm pretty much getting bigger and bigger. hahaha

I haven't even been to a single concert in 2010. Just because I'm so fed up with all the people there and I even quit my band because I just couldn't stand my bandmates kissing every trends ass.

Parties and Clubs is the same as with you, I just feel as if I'm in the wrong place. So I'm losing a lot of friends because I'm not there getting shitfaced with them every single weekend. All I do is going to the cinema once in a while.

On new year's eve I was alone watching David Lynchs "The Elephant Man" and listening to my William Fitzsimmons vinyls.

And now I'm basically pretty surprised by your post, because I always thought I was being pathetic myself and started worrying. Guess I'm not the only one disgusted with the human race and living my life in solitude and that's somewhat pretty therapeutic to me ^^


shitsøn h. said...

word. looks like we're on the same page about all that jazz.

i started worrying at a certain point as well. but now i just don't care, really. it does work too well in the end.

Cory Monster said...

I concur.
I don't even have friends in this area.

I still like going to shows a lot, but i go to EVERY show alone.